| TRI-STATE LITERARY HAPPENING The Official Autopsy Report Fundraiser: January 15, 7PM, @ The Pub in Evansville, IN. A night of readings by theedwardsociety contributors and friends, music by duraluxe, food and beer by The Pub, and an auction of stuff sponsored by david barringer, to raise funds for the upcoming book: The Official Autopsy Report: The Best of theedwardsociety.com's First Year or So.
I've posted this here because theedwardsociety, especially Christopher Dickens, has been supportive of my writing, and because one of my short stories will likely appear in the aforementioned "best of" anthology. Check out http://www.theedwardsociety.com/
for a couple of my stories and more.-- Joey G.
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Thursday, December 9, 2004, 11:31 PM A MESSAGE FROM JOEY G. Hello, Angelica Huston maniacs. Merry Christmas to you. Thanks so much for pointin’ and clickin’ your way onto my little electronic culdesac. I haven’t added anything to this page lately because I’ve been so busy fulfilling my dreams. No, I haven’t gone laser tagging with Dolph Lungdren. I’ve become involved in the wrestling business.
??? All apologies to those of you who were expecting THE ANOMALIES paperback sooner. Apparently, there was a hold-up at the press. Anyhow, it’s now available, and you can now buy it without the embarrassment of the cashier seeing my sexy mug and thinking you bought a bodice ripper.
???Rumor ’round town is that Jason Eggzeronius is gonna fiddle with some switches or what have you so that this page will load faster. We’ve heard your complaints and have decided to do something about it before we go the way of Druther’s or Children’s Palace.
???Thanks to those of you who came to my signings in November. My out-of-town signings are kind of up in the air right now, so we’ll see what happens in 2005. Rest assured, if I do show up in New York, L.A., or New Orleans, I will rock out for all in front of the bookstore, or at least wash my hair the night before.
???I hate Hardee’s commercials. Their target audience is obviously macho men. Have you seen the one where the guy eats his ThickBurger while working on his car? Nobody does that! (Do they?!?) And the girl goes, “Baby, I’m so booored,” as the macho man looks under the hood of his car while eating a ginormous hamburger. He just looks at her as if to say, “Damn, bitch. Can’t you see I’m eating a hamburger while fixing my car . . . ’cause this is what men do.” Why, just yesterday I bought a Dairy Queen chicken strip basket and ate the whole thing as I was lifting weights. I used to think the new Hardee’s approach was cool, because it was so self-deprecating (“It’s how the LAST place you’d go to get a burger will become the FIRST.) Now they’re just pathetic attempts to appeal to us wieners out here.
???The last few months I’ve been working on a new screenplay called EDWIN AND THE EXTROVERTS. I doubt it will ever see the light of day, but it is about social anxiety disorder, among other things.
???From the ages of 15-20, I was in a punk band called the Mullets. I was thinking it might be worthwhile to make a DVD that compiles some of our performances and comedic skits. Don’t know if it will materialize since so little footage exists, and since what we do have is of such poor quality. Anyhow, it’s a nice idea. Look for a release in May 2008. That’s all I know for now. I assure you I’m keeping busy as I battle my ongoing sinus problems, so don’t you worry about me, all you mamaws and papaws out there. Read on, readers. Merrily, Joey Goebel SEE THE APPEARANCES PAGE FOR GOEBEL SIGNINGS ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Nov. 10, 2004
GOD, GUNS, GAYS, AND ABORTION Goebel’s political short short story entitled “God, Guns, Gays, and Abortion” can be found in the online magazine Tastes Like Chicken-- http://www.tlchicken.com/view_story.php?ARTid=2798 And while you’re there, check out the rest of Tastes Like Chicken. It’s a hilarious, subversive magazine that interviews some really interesting people that the mainstream media often ignore.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WESTERN KENTUCKY BOOK EXPO I’ll be at the Western Kentucky Book Expo on Saturday, October 30, from nine to five. I’ll be selling and signing both books. It’s in Sturgis, Ky., at the John Arnold Convention and Expo Center.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MINDLESSLY SEXUAL PUBLICITY STUNT OF THE WEEK Oct. 26, 2004 Here’s the last one, and the bit about Toni Bentley is true. Author plans to write bestiality memoir Henderson, KY (AP)—Joey Goebel, author of the upcoming novel Torture the Artist (MacAdam/Cage, $22.99), announced that his next book will be an erotic memoir about his sexual experiences with animals. “I got the idea when I saw that ballerina author Toni Bentley getting so much publicity for writing a book about getting boned up the ass,” said Goebel. “They said she wrote about the last sexual taboo, but I got to thinking, anal sex isn’t much compared to knockin’ boots with a bobcat.” The Toni Bentley memoir to which Goebel refers is The Surrender (ReganBooks, $24.95). In The Surrender, Bentley writes about her true life experience of being sodomized by her lover 298 times. However, Goebel has some work to do, since he actually has never been sexually intimate with an animal. “I haven’t started yet, but I plan to start doing critters soon so I’ll have something to write about,” said Goebel. “In fact, I wish I hadn’t even bothered with the my first two novels—the ones with creativity and thoughtful writing and all that crap. I should’ve just been doing things up the ass all this time.” There is already a bidding war between three major publishers for the rights to Goebel’s bestiality book. Goebel’s second novel, Torture the Artist will be released on Oct. 27, as will The Anomalies in paperback.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ MINDLESSLY SEXUAL PUBLICITY STUNT OF THE WEEK Oct. 13, 2004 Author gropes Von Oi Branson, MO (AP)—The Anomalies author Joey Goebel was arrested at a Branson honky-tonk club after groping actress Jenna Von Oi. “I meant no harm to Ms. Oi,” said Goebel. “She’s a celebrity, I’m a celebrity—I thought that’s what celebrities do. I didn’t even get a chance to ask her if we were going to hook up. She just started yelling. Screw Jenna Von Oi.” “I was just grinding to some Sammy Kershaw when this sweaty dude came up and touched my butt and boobs,” said Von Oi. “I told him to stop, and he said, ‘It’s okay. I’m a celebrity, too.’ So I asked him what he had been on, and he said nothing, that he wrote books, and that’s when I screamed for help.” Goebel’s new book Torture the Artist will be released nationwide in hardcover on Oct. 27.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MINDLESSLY SEXUAL PUBLICITY STUNT OF THE WEEK Author banned from sports bar HENDERSON, KY (AP)-- Anomalies author Joey Goebel was asked to never come to Rookies Sports Bar again after harassing several female patrons. The twenty-four-year-old writer reportedly offered the patrons money to kiss other patrons. “He just wouldn’t let it go,” said one of the anonymous female patrons. “He came up to me and said he’d give me five dollars if I had a lesbian kiss with that Asian girl over there. He said it’d be hot. But I’d only do that for ten.” “How can we expect to progress as a society if we can’t even get shocking lesbian kisses up in here?” asked Goebel. “This is the two-thousands. Get with it-- the program, that is. Lesbian kisses is where it’s at.” After several complaints from female customers, a bouncer escorted Goebel out of the bar, but not before he got what he wanted. “Hell yeah, I kissed that girl for five bucks,” said an anonymous woman. “It was hot. I liked it. But what I didn’t like is when that author dude started dryhumping us.” Goebel’s new book Torture the Artist will be released nationwide October 27. The Anomalies will appear in paperback on the same day.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- BUSH VS. THE WORLD
(and guess which one is the underdog) I don’t know about the rest of the country, but the voting registration deadline for Henderson County, Kentucky is October 4th. So if you’re a newcomer to the election process, you’ll need to go to the courthouse by then.
One recent high school graduate I spoke to about the election said, “I want to vote, but I don’t want to vote just for some reason like, ‘Bush is a dumbass.’”
This seemed like a mature standpoint, and I will use this opportunity to provide specific reasons why Bush is a dumbass. I will also examine why people STILL support Bush. IN CASE YOU DIDN’T KNOW……. ??? Bush won the election thanks to the disenfranchisement of black voters in Florida. See the documentary Unprecedented if you have your doubts about what really happened in the 2000 election. ??? During Bush’s first term, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs. ??? The members of Bush’s cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history. ??? Bush set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period. He took the entire month of August off, the August before September of 2001. ??? On Sept. 12, 2001, Bush instructed his staff to find a connection between al Qaeda and Iraq. No such connection was found. ??? Bush is supporting the development of a nuclear “Tactical Bunker Buster,” a weapon of mass destruction. ??? College tuition has increased 28% during the Bush administration. ??? He is a religious fanatic that believes that only Evangelical Christians will be allowed to go to heaven. Catholics, Muslims, Jews, Hindus, and Buddhists won’t be so lucky in Bush’s view. (see PBS documentary The Jesus Factor) ??? You don’t hear about any of these things because the mainstream media is owned by corporations that have ties to both Bush and to weapons manufacturers. For instance, NBC News, MSNBC, and CNBC are all owned by General Electric, one of the world’s largest weapons manufacturers. Naturally, G.E. would like a spokesman like Bush who will give their “products” a push.
“PRO-LIFE”???
From hearing Bush supporters that I know talk about their man, it seems the key reason why many people plan to vote for him is that he is pro-life. This raises several questions: 1. As important as abortion might be to a voter, shouldn’t his or her political standpoint be determined by more than just ONE ISSUE? 2. Would Bush approve of abortions if they took place in an electric chair? George W. Bush set the record for most executions by any governor in American history. Granted, these weren’t fetuses being executed—they were grown humans with fully developed bodies, minds, and souls. They were flawed, sometimes horribly flawed beyond repair, but they once liked cartoons and looked forward to Christmas. Some had children who had the bizarre distinction of knowing the exact minute when their dads would die. I will never understand why someone who values life so much (as evident in his pro-life stance) would allow so many people to die… Which leads me to my next question. 3. Would Bush approve of abortions if they took place on a battlefield? Wave your pro-life flags all you want, but it’s plain to me that a vote for Bush is still a vote for abortion-- the abortion of grown men and women, our neighbors, sons, daughters, sisters, and brothers, in a foreign land on the other side of the planet. And unlike fetuses, these aborted soldiers know what the word “death” means. And about those executions, it seems like he’d be more sympathetic considering he’s the first president in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.
And what about the dying people who could be helped by stem cell research. Do their lives not count as much as fetuses’? Should we just disregard them? MILITARY EXPERIENCE? ??? How can any Bush supporter question John Kerry’s military record and keep a straight face? Seriously, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT from John Kerry? He was a rich boy, yet he CHOSE to fight in Vietnam. He VOLUNTEERED for one of the most dangerous missions available, on a swiftboat. He went on the offensive on the river and put himself in harm’s way. He was SHOT several times and still has shrapnel in his body. Meanwhile, George W. Bush not only minimized his military duty by joining the Texas National guard, but he couldn’t even do that right. He went AWOL.
Kerry has his flaws, but even hinting at his military shortcomings is comical to me, especially when considering his opponent, a man who refused to even take the military drug test. And speaking of drugs…… ??? Remember how the media crucified Clinton for admitting that he had tried marijuana once? So why has the media barely TOUCHED the topic of George W. being a confirmed COKE-HEAD ??? ??? And finally, if you’re a macho man who supports Bush because he’s doing the masculine thing by being a warmonger, then what do you have to say about your man being a cheerleader in college?
And yes, I realize that not a single syllable of what I’m saying will have any effect on Bush supporters, pro-lifers, or Republicans in general (except it will likely make them defend their leader even more stubbornly). But while I still have the right to speak my mind, I’m proud to post my thoughts and publicly lament the fact that all the hard diplomatic work done by men like Woodrow Wilson and Franklin D. Roosevelt has been completely negated by the mistakes of this man and his pet war.
I hope to hell that you will vote for John Kerry. He’s much more intelligent than George W. Bush, he’s seen war from all different angles, and he has specific plans to reestablish diplomacy with the rest of the world, the first step in getting out of the mess that Bush has started. Yes, Kerry is closer to the middle than I prefer, but he’s the best we have, and I think of the 2004 Decision and Kerry’s possible presidency as “the rebuilding term.” Now is not the time to support a truly progressive candidate; we will do that when there’s even a chance for progress. Right now we have a hole to climb out of, and Kerry, not Bush, will help us do that. Besides, a man who offers the possibility of free health insurance to all can’t be that bad of a guy.
Confidentially, Joey
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MINDLESSLY SEXUAL PUBLICITY STUNT OF THE WEEK Sept. 14, 2004 Author kicked out of church
Henderson, KY (AP) The Anomalies author Joey Goebel was asked to leave Holy Name Catholic Church on Sunday after appearing at mass wearing obscenely short shorts and a mesh see-through top. “You could see everything,” said one parishioner. “It was gross.” Ten minutes into mass, after singing the celebratory hymn “On Eagle’s Wings,” a Eucharistic minister was told by a church official to ask Goebel to leave. Goebel left without argument, though the majority of his buttocks could be seen on his way out. “I don’t see what the big deal is,” said Goebel. “I was just expressing myself. So what if my nipples and butt and a little bit of the scrotum were showing? It’s all good.” “I had already seen his testicles at Wal-Mart, so it was not a shock to me,” said Fr. Flanagan, who officiated the mass on Sunday. “The point is that we have children in the congregation who don’t need to see things like that.” “I’m proud of my body,” said Goebel. “If the church has a problem with that, maybe they need to take a good look at themselves and their own keesters.” Goebel’s new novel TORTURE THE ARTIST will be in stores October 27.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ NEW GOEBEL INTERVIEW ON CHUCK PALAHNIUK PAGE Dennis Widmyer, the creator of the official Chuck Palahniuk page, was kind
enough to interview me and post my ramblings on his site. Palahniuk, author
of Fight Club, Survivor, and Choke, is a crucial writer of this new
millennium, and I am honored to be on his page. This is the longest interview
I've done to date, and I even enjoyed doing it. Check it out: http://www.chuckpalahniuk.net/ --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MINDLESSLY SEXUAL PUBLICITY STUNT OF THE WEEK Sept. 4, 2004 Author Says "Boss Cap" Over P.A. Henderson, KY (AP) Students at the Henderson County High pep rally
were treated to a surprise Friday when they heard the words "boss cap"
being said on their p.a. system. This phrase, a slang term for oral sex
which was originated at County High, was uttered by ANOMALIES
author Joey Goebel.
"Right after the pep rally ended, some teenage boys dared me to say 'boss
cap' into the microphone," said Goebel. "They kept saying, 'You won't do
it, you won't do it,' but I proved them wrong. I cleared my throat and I
said 'boss cap.'" The author was immediately sent to the principal's office, despite the fact
that he graduated from high school six years ago. "I only regret that I didn't say it louder," said Goebel. "Boss cap!" Goebel's new book TORTURE THE ARTIST will go on sale Oct. 27,
as will the paperback version of his first novel, THE ANOMALIES. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- FELLOW AUTHOR ABIGAIL VONA DESERVES MORE PUBLICITY August 28, 2004, 1:39 PM
I would now like to use my webpage to give author Abigail Vona some more publicity.
In case you haven’t heard of her, Abigail Vona is the author of the new release, BAD GIRL: CONFESSIONS OF A TEENAGE DELINQUENT. And while the title suggests that the book has nothing more to offer than what one might see on JERRY SPRINGER, Vona has already managed to make quite a name for herself by regularly appearing in New York gossip columns.
So, according to ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY, these are the reasons we should take notice of this provocative new author:
She is involved in a tumultuous love triangle with her 46-year-old agent/ex-boyfriend and a NEW YORK POST gossip columnist. She is in the gossip columns a whole bunch. She brought handcuffs to a photo shoot. She belly danced at a club opening. Perfectly mirrors young William Faulkner’s rise to literary fame, doesn’t it? And now to encourage aspiring writers and published authors whose books are overlooked by the media, consider how Vona achieved her book deal: 1. When she was eighteen, she met the aforementioned 46-year-old pervert at a New York charity ball. She told him she wanted to write a book about when she was put in a bad girls facility when she was fifteen. He said “pretty girls are catnip to me” and agreed to help her sell the book. 2. Vona started dating the 46-year-old (after graduating from high school). 3. This boyfriend/agent/publicist passed the book on to his author buddy Jay McInerney, who gave it to a publisher, who bought the book and gave Vona a $15,000 advance. And here’s the kicker: her publisher is quoted saying “….[Vona] hasn’t even had the equivalent of high school English. She’d have no punctuatation, she doesn’t know where a paragraph break is, yet she would turn phrases that were so fresh and original.” Then the publisher hired an NYU student to fix her manuscript.
So, with all that said, Abigail Vona has inspired me to kick my career into overdrive by adopting a similar approach to promotion. You see, she’s taught me that if I bone the right people and if I do SHOCKING things like publicly show HANDCUFFS (gasp), I too might generate hype for my upcoming book. The same method has been used by other members of the literati like Paris Hilton, Pamela Anderson, and by such entertainers as Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson. Coincidentally, some characters in my new book also use sex to sell.
Therefore, I’ve decided to forsake LAMENTABLE ENTERTAINMENT HAPPENING OF THE WEEK. From now until the release of TORTURE THE ARTIST, readers of this page will be treated to MY MINDLESSLY SEXUAL PUBLICITY STUNT OF THE WEEK. Here’s the first one: MY MINDLESSLY SEXUAL PUBLICITY STUNT OF THE WEEK —Aug. 28, 2004 Author Bares Testicles at Wal-Mart Henderson, KY (AP) Up-and-coming author Joey Goebel caused a stir when he exposed both testicles while standing in the busy pedestrian crossing outside of Wal-Mart. At least four people saw the bare scrotum before the author concealed it.
“I did not intend for this to happen,” said Goebel. “I was just leaving Wal-Mart, and my sweatpants and underwear suddenly slid down on their own. Before I knew what had happened, my nutsack had fallen out.”
Strangely, the author’s penis was completely covered with an ornamental adhesive.
“Good thing I was wearing my penis jewelry,” said Goebel. “If I hadn’t, people would’ve seen my testicles AND my penis.”
The author’s second novel TORTURE THE ARTIST, an examination of the rise of horrible entertainment and the death of art, will be released October 27. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tuesday, August 24 INTERVIEW AT INDIE WORKSHOP.com Thanks to Jake Haselman at Indie Workshop.com for interviewing me. Here's where youcan read it (unless you're too cool for toilets): http://indieworkshop.com/articles/131 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Monday, August 9, 2004, 11:41 AM NEW INTERVIEW Writer Jason Donnelly has an interview with me posted at http://www.fancypantsinc.com Thank you to Jason for the publicity, and best of luck to him with his blossoming career. RIDLEY WINS For the first time since I’ve been an eligible voter, my guy won. Dorsey Ridley defeated David Thomason for Kentucky’s 5th District Senate Seat. Thanks to those of you who voted for Ridley upon my urging.
My faith in the good people is restored. The governor thought he could swoop in and take this election, but the people said, “Ah, hell nah, Ernie.” He tried to blackmail this district into voting the way HE wanted. He presented us with a candidate that would have CLOUT, CLOUT, CLOUT, someone he would actually work with. Sure, he already denied our district funding a few months back. But if we were to put one of his boys in the Senate, then he MIGHT reconsider. No, sir, Ernie. Just stick to your embarrassingly unfunny appearances on Jay Leno and don’t push us around. (By the way—he appeared on Jay Leno the very day of the special election. Good to see his priorities are straight.)
So I’m glad the voters stood up for themselves. The turnout was awe-inspiring. I can only hope that people will stand up for themselves in November. LAMENTABLE ENTERTAINMENT HAPPENING OF THE WEEK In honor of the theme of TORTURE THE ARTIST, I present the Lamentable Entertainment Happening of the week.
I read in the paper that sleepy-eyed rapper Jay-Z led the MTV Award nominations for his video “99 Problems.” For those of you who haven’t heard this angelic hymn, the chorus is “I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain’t one.”
My question is: Haven’t we moved past songs like this as a society? (Apparently not.) Isn’t the whole “bitches” thing played out by now? To me, the message of the song is resoundingly clear: “There are a lot of causes of concern in my life. Lots of things to worry about. Lots of things I need to deal with. But women, well, they are the one thing in this life that are so insignificant and worthless that I don’t have to even consider them as a problem, let alone as a fellow human being.” The message says, “My name is Jay-Z, and I’m a bad person. Women deserve no respect. My masculine worldview allows no space for a bitch.”
And Jay-Z is rewarded for his inhumane views with more video nominations than he can shake a dick at. Not that these awards mean anything. In fact, as soon as the winners of the awards walk back stage, the trophies are taken from them to reuse. It’s a superficial ceremony, fitting for its guests of honor.
Of course, I’ll assume the videos aren’t being recognized for the lyrics. Case in point: I remember one year Jamiroquai swept the awards, not because of the lyrics to “Virtual Insanity,” but because of the groundbreaking video in which the Al Jarreau-sounding troll walks on a treadmill (genius!). . . The brilliant innovation in the “99 Problems” video is that Jay-Z is violently murdered at the conclusion. (How this ties into the theme of song itself, I don’t know.)
Jay-Z says that his being riddled with bullets in the video symbolizes the end of his rapping career and the beginning of retired life as just a normal millionaire thug who degrades women in the privacy of his crib, not on TV. True, for a rapper, this attempt at symbolism is the equivalent to Nabokov, but I’m guessing that it is simply the fulfillment of Jay-Z’s lifelong wish to reenact the final scene of SCARFACE.
Nevertheless, I will watch the MTV Awards this year, as I do every year, with satisfying contempt. I will savor every pathetic attempt to shock the audience (I wonder what same-sex pop stars will make out this year!? Beyonce and the Evanescence girl? Timberlake and Nick Carter’s little brother? Or maybe an outright orgy between A Simple Plan and Good Charlotte.
I just wish more of you uncreative, unoriginal assholes would be like Jay-Z and RETIRE. 47 Problems, Joey Goebel
August 2, 2004, 11:55 PM MY LITERARARY RIVAL Forget Hemingway vs. Fitzgerald. Never mind Franzen vs. Oprah. The literary world has a new rivalry that’s enough to make Levar Burton crap his slacks, a pot of mold at the end of a Reading Rainbow in the form of a skinny twenty-three-year-old Kentucky boy and a trashy symbol of America’s excess. Me versus Pamela Anderson.
From now until the release of Torture the Artist, I plan to write on this homepage about the dumbest things going on in the entertainment world, since that’s what the book deals with. With the exception of Big and Rich’s country-rap song “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy,” there is nothing worthier of a venomous attack than Pamela Anderson’s newfound status as a published author.
The uber-whore’s debut novel is entitled Star (coincidentally the title of a periodical where I learned that Anderson received a boning from the bass player of Slaughter). It is a roman a clef, meaning we can read about how great Tommy Lee’s penis is without ever having to read his name. The inside of the jacket features Pamela nude, a gimmick that has caused all of us authors to yell aloud, “Why didn’t I think of that!?”
On Dave earlier tonight, Anderson admitted to having a ghostwriter for the novel. A ghostwriter for a novel!!! Not a biography, not a memoir, but a work of fiction. Imagine, if you will, a person saying, “You know, I’d like to write a novel, something fictional, but based on my life. It will have characters and a plot and everything like all novels do. But you know, I think I’ll have somebody else write my novel for me.”
I’d like to meet this ghostwriter and congratulate him on being the one person in the literary world that’s a bigger whore than Pamela Anderson. Can you imagine telling someone, “Hey! Guess what!? I’ve written a novel!…….Yeah, it’s called Star. You can find it in the A’s, under the name Pamela Anderson……Yes, that's right. I’ve written a novel, but Pamela Anderson is its author."?
And I have no doubt that this book will be a bestseller. It’s a nation that I love, but it’s a nation that still embraces George W. Bush for the most part.
So what can I do? Anderson’s Great American Novel will likely still be a hot item when my two new books come out in October. And she’s already sold Simon and Schyster the sequel to Star. How can I compete? Well, maybe if I take a cue from Pamela herself, I can build myself a career and will someday have the power to affect lives as much as she does.
For instance, maybe I too can be spotted on a jumbotron by a producer and be given a career in entertainment. I’ll use my awesome nipples to get my name out there. I’ll wear my skimpiest overalls on a Tim Allen sitcom where caveman grunts bring in big laughs. But then, to kick my career into overdrive, I’ll have a tumultuous marriage with a hard rock drummer, the type of guy who, when he comes to Evansville, Indiana, to play a show, utters the phrase “You mean I come all the way out to Evansville and ain’t seein’ no titty!?” on stage. And not just any drummer. Mine’s going to have an abnormally long penis. We gonna get that bodacious pee-pee on a sex video! I’m gonna be HUGE!!! Then I’m gonna hook up with Kid Rock (he's what happens when white trash gets rich….see Randy Savage, Gretchen Wilson).
Oh, what’s that? My boobs are sagging too much to be on Baywatch: 2020? Pubescent boys aren’t aroused by wrinkled flesh in Playboy? Dang. Good thing I got my book-writin’ career going for me. What? There’s a new buxom blonde with Waffle House waitress makeup who’s written a best-selling novel that I can't compete with?!?
On second thought, I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing. And when Pamela’s book gets critiqued in every major magazine in America while my book ends up unread on a book reviewer's floor, I can at least have the satisfaction ofknowing that all is right with the world.
Call me, Pam. Let’s discuss our influences. Confidentially, Joey
Friday, July 16th, 2004 Hello, and welcome to my Innynet web-page. I want to
extend the biggest “THANK YOU” possible to my old
friend Jason Sheeley for creating this page for me. I
am ignorant in the ways of Cyberia, and Jason’s hard
work on this page allowed me to finish the editing of
my new book on time without the hassles of pointing
and clicking.
I plan to regularly update this part of the page,
using it to tell those who care what’s new with my
books, but mainly as a forum to get some things off my
chest. There are some deeply irritating things going
on nationally and locally right now. For my inaugural
entry, I’d like to begin with an increasingly
combustible local debacle…. RIDLEY VERSUS THOMASON (or Henderson’s Armageddon) I realize some people reading this don’t live in
Kentucky’s 4th Senate District, that district which
this special election concerns. So, for those foreign
to Henderson, Union, Webster, Crittenden, Caldwell,
and Livingston counties, as well as for those
Hendersonians who are foreign to reading the
newspaper, here is what you need to know. These are
the FACTS: *Dorsey Ridley, a Henderson banker, and David
Thomason, a Henderson lawyer were both democrats with
political aspirations. A while back when Sen. Paul
Herron announced that he wouldn’t run for re-election
in 2006, both Ridley and Thomason expressed interest
in taking his spot. *Sen. Paul Herron died, leaving a premature vacancy
for Kentucky’s 4th District Senate seat. By the way,
Paul Herron was a Democrat. *Less than a week after Herron’s death, on June 21,
Kentucky’s Republican Governor, Ernie Fletcher
declared that the 4th district would have a “special
election” to fill Herron’s vacancy. Many interpreted
this as a show of bad form on the governor’s part,
since it could be perceived as disrespectful to Paul
Herron and his grieving family. *Normally, a vacancy like this one is filled in the
next major election, in November. This special
election is to be held surprisingly soon on July 27
and will cost our taxpayers $33,000. Coincidentally,
July 27 is the same day of the Democratic National
Convention. All of Kentucky’s Democratic leadership
and many of its supporters will be out of town on that
particular day. *Fletcher said it was important to have the election
as soon as possible, since there “may” be a special
session before November to hammer out a state budget.
He wanted to make sure that our district was
represented. His sudden care for Henderson and
surrounding counties came after he shot down the
funding for a technology center at Henderson Community
College that would benefit young people and the
working class. *With the special election announced, Dorsey Ridley
threw in his hat as the Democrat candidate. Shortly
thereafter, David Thomason threw in his hat as well,
although he was now calling himself a Republican,
despite spending the past 33 years as a Democrat.
Thomason’s party switch came one day after Democrat
Paul Herron was buried. Of course, Thomason had
switched parties once before. He moved to Henderson
as a Republican, but found he’d be more likely to
become county attorney as a Democrat. *Kentucky’s most powerful republican Sen. Mitch
McConnell suddenly came out as a strong supporter of
Thomason. He even accompanied Thomason on a whirlwind
campaign blitz of the fourth district. Thomason now
has CLOUT and will make no secret of it. I don’t know any other way to interpret these facts
but this: a Democrat’s death provided a great
opportunity for the Republicans to steal another
election. By setting such a ridiculously small
time-table for this election, Fletcher has stacked the
cards against Dorsey Ridley and the Democrats. And
the Independents, too. If someone wanted to run on
the Independent ticket for this special election, they
literally had a matter of days to sign themselves up,
collect 100 signatures from registered voters for a
petition, send it to Frankfort, and have it approved. Meanwhile, Thomason was handpicked by the most
powerful Republicans in the state, and with their
support and money, they think he couldn’t possibly
lose this election. If for nothing but spite, please
don’t let this happen.
Election-stealing is a disturbing trend (see George
W. Bush, Arnold Schwarzenegger), and NOW IT’S RIGHT
HERE IN HENDERSON.
That’s why you should care.
Here’s your chance to fight back. Oh, but wait.
You’re not registered to vote? That’s too bad. The
deadline to register happened to be in late June, a
few days after Governor Fletcher announced this
special election. Now might be a good time to remind
you to register for the November election. You can do
so at the old courthouse after August third.
I’m not going to exalt Dorsey Ridley and turn him
into a political savior. I’m just imploring that if
you’re registered, vote against Thomason, who has
openly shown us that he is an opportunist who changes
parties to suit his own needs, who is a pawn of the
Republican machine, who doesn’t so much have “clout”
as he does the puppet strings of the Governor Fletcher
attached to his back.
With all that said, Thomason might be a fine man, and
it’s a shame he and Ridley have to be caught up in
this turmoil. It’s an even bigger shame that
Henderson has to be divided over this, and I blame the
entire mess on Governor Fletcher’s complete lack of
class concerning this topic. This easily could have
waited until November. A similar vacancy in Daviess
County occurred in April, yet Fletcher didn’t bother
with a special election. But as luck would have it,
he gets the election when he wants, he’ll probably get
the man he wants, and we the people pick up the tab.
We can’t let him get away with this. Stick it to
the man and vote for a guy named Dorsey on July 27th.
Worriedly, Joey Goebel | 
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